A Country Rag-- Bizarro Tabloid Flash News*--page 2
BIZARRO$TABLOID$FLASH$NEWS -- Page Two
HEADlines
BIZARRO$TABLOID$FLASH$NEWS
Motto:These cows are not sacred and neither is their bull.
To be: Channeling Shakespeare
Calling all exterminators
for universal pest control.
Maggots are again loosed on the earth
and mindlessly sucking it dry
to leave just a crisp and crenilated hulk
of nothing but the mutilated form of what was
like the ruins of Rhodes
or the avatar of Pompeii.
We have termites untreated gnashing
at foundations of our structure and existence.
So bring the spray,
lay well your traps
lest all that's living left on land be rats.
--jH (2011)
"Federal What To Do Now and Why Department open for business. Phone lines jammed."
"Joan Q. Publiqua anounced this morning that her WTF Box is overflowing and applied to Homeland Security for an extra-extra large Backup Crap Bucket."
"Congress made it official today: Its quota of criminal slime and rooting pigscum garbage has been filled through 2013; No new applicants need apply."
"Bush/Cheney era designated officially 'The Big Ugly' -- which lost out by a hair trigger to France's entry of 'La Grande Pigaille,' Monaco's 'American Bore-ax, Belgium's 'The Big Bully Bore,' Paraguay's 'The Big Yich,' Poland's'The New Red Scare,' Afghanistan's 'Dopey America,' Bahrain's 'The Glob-al Retro Fit,' Turtle Island's 'The Big Waste Wampum, Sweden's 'Zero Ultra' Austria's The Storm Poopers,' Quebec's 'The Sleazy Eazy,' the Cajun's 'Mardi Gross' and Kingdom of Jordan's suggestions of 'Age of Trash' or "The Grate Trash Rage,' Brazil's 'Playa AmeriCon,' Italy's 'The Dam Age Patrol,' Atlantic City's 'The Crap Chute,' Iceland's 'Bjklopnfrcun Quake, Germany's 'The Grave Yard,' Denmark's 'That Damned Decade,' Holland's 'The DamNation,' Latvia's 'The Wreck Age,' Palestine's 'The United Fiend Fix-All,' Finland's 'Macho Maul,' Switzerland's 'The Dirty AmeriCan,' Oman's 'The Mother Sucker Of All S'Mears,' Fiji's 'Hate's Gate, San Francisco's 'The Main Drag,' Morocco's 'The Market de Sade,' Disneyworld's 'The HUMPty DUMPty,' Paree's 'Le Tres Mal Garb Age,' London's ' 'The Melt Drown,' Scotland's 'Wide World Sic 'N' Stick,' Dubai's 'The Silly Super-Power,' New Zealand's 'The Mash Pit' and Canada's 'The Big Mess' -- by global historians at their annual Cote D'Azur conference last month."
"On her Java Take early early morning show today Hell-Oo-Eaze recommended adopting a radical evolutionary perspective she called The Wooly Mammoth View --'In a million years or so none of this will matter much' -- to de-stress."
"Eye-opening detail results from an intensive Kulpinski Falls Iowa door-to door survey conducted for By-The-Numbers Media & Campaign Consultants Limited were released to the public yesterday. Gladys Dinthles believes in God, but not Physics or Chemistry, or evolution. Jacob Nutchkul
believes in Mathematics with the exception of Calculus and Accounting. Basil Pembroke believes in Buddha, but not broccoli, or herbs. Ethel Kregoli believes in Jesus, but not Sugar which she knows to be an evil plot hatched by enemy Carribean Communists. Janiss Hilfer believes in the Lord of The Rings, but not the U.S. Presidency, or her local Mayor, or Post Office which she demands be abolished to cut the federal deficit. Kendle Joinder registers to vote, and does, every twenty or so years or whenever the Internal Revenue Service catches up with him sparking his notice and outrage, whichever comes first.
"Shenandoah Valley discovered to have most disease-infested Malus domestica in Virginia's barrel and renamed official Rotten Apple Capitol of the Commonwealth!"
"Sifting through data newly released under the Freedom of Information Act, global economists determined after intensive study that America's main export commodity during The Big Ugly was criminal assholes and that there is now a surfeit of that product worldwide. It's a buyer's market! Prices plummeting! Get one today for your hometown before they're gone."
"Virginia's Shenandoah Valley recognized officially as nation's first leper colony and citizens elsewhere warned to be on their guard when visiting or passing through."
"World's first known one-dimensional lifeform detected amongst Publirats and assigned unique phylum by Australia's Dr. Pat McV. L. Hoender."
"Hell-oh-eeze Hints advises 'no matter how much you rush today you can't get anything done by yesterday'."
"Presented with newly discovered data, astounded historians report there came a relaxingly welcome interim during the Civil War that the Union stopped advance relay firing in view of confused Confederate plots and strategies backfiring as effectively on downed and disarrayed grays as blues alone could ever dream or shoot for."
"Publirats remind they warned of disruption and mental dysfunction, financial and emotional chaos by promising to preserve 'American family values.'"
"Ancient Biblical mistranslation corrected! Linguistic scholars and historians report that Jesus actually said with consistency to earlier uncomplimentary statements about purportedly the world's oldest profession:'It's harder for a trial attorney to enter the gates of heaven than a camel to go through the eye of a needle.'"
"In a trendy move toward transparency, multi-national Publirats today renamed next month's formal Potsdam sociopolitical global gathering The Repulsive Scum Party. Discount commemorative buttons and party hats for all attendees offered by Unstandard Oil International of Switzerland, Inc. Gate crashers welcome!"
"Publiratta Kirsty Nomugha told reporter Freddie Tasoploit during an exclusive interview yesterday to be aired last week on NBC that Grate Grand Rat Otis Frenklion had explained to attendees at their inaugural ninenteenth century convention in Desdimona Falls Arizona that '... if we lower the overall average IQ through bad education and murder, if absolutely necessary, then we'll all be the smart ones....'"
"Local organizations of neo-Confeds, neo-Nazis, 'born-agains' and 'right-wingers' meet in Dobleyville TX today to formally codify their oppositional global Publirat Nation. Alternative site for legislative and military conclave -- luxuriently funded by an undisclosed and highly secret list of multinational entities -- is five-star El Mucho Muncho Grande Resort Hotel & Bazaar in coastal Fujillo City Mexico. Courtesy round-trip cruise accommodations for attendees provided by K.S.P. Derek Senior's Global Garage & Garbage Disposal Facilitator Unlimited, Inc."
"Archeologists recently recovered from deeply recessed and multiply-locked Vatican vaults, along with earlier lost Aramaic and Greek books and missing pages of the Bible, the following sacred edict relic:..."
You are here---->
HEAVEN
Rules and Regulations
NO shoe wearing or throwing.
NO spitting on clouds.
ABSOLUTELY NO smoking or firing up.
NO jumping up and down trying to take off to higher clouds. Your cloud is not a trampoline.
NO hitchhiking onto passing asteroids. They aren't as comfortable as they may look and their destinations are unclear.
NO hoarding of stardust. There's plenty for all.
NO trading of wings for a better fit. Yours are assigned to you as is for a reason you'll discover if you get any closer to the edge.
VIOLATORS WILL BE WITHOUT NOTICE AND SUMMARILY KICKED OFF THEIR CLOUD!
Serenely sincerely and seriously,
Saint Peter
Break Time!
"Top global sociologists, economists, mathematicians, physicists and psychiatrists meet tomorrow to present offically to each other and to the public their papers, findings and conclusions at Russia's long-awaited and heavily-promoted St. Petersburg Symposium: 'The 21st Century: Testing and Defining Real-Time The Survivable Limits of Non-sense'. The first worldwide compilation of live and otherwise casualty statistics will also be broken down and described in detail to supervising delegates from the nations of Earth."
"Virginia's Shenandoah Valley announces opening of its cozily refurbished neo Blud 'N' Gutz Visitorz Sensor to acclimate travelers to legendary battlefields and graveyards. Watch live reenactor patients -- as young as fourteen! -- bleed onto filthy bandaging in its reconstructed farmyard field hospital. Hear them scream in unstaunchable pain!"
"Publirats protest they have too progressed since the days they used their feet as an abacus, and counted on their gonads for higher math functions, including accounting."
"Finally, engineers and programmers creatively combine hardware and software so incompatibly slow that G. W. Bush, Palin and McCain, and trial attorneys can handle it!"
"'Son of Sam' relatives consult with officials of DCV and SCV (Daughters and Sons of Confederate Veterans) on how best to market profitably and popularly their famlial connection to that mass torture/murderer."
"A lingering budgetary crisis has been averted! Consultants recommend that funds previously allocated during the Bush/Cheney era for an Alaskan 'bridge to nowhere' be directed instead for its construction from American taxpayers to Publirat politicians."
"Hell closed today for expansion of facilities due to overflow of trial lawyers. Its Thief Floors, deluxe business to standard budget class, closed temporarily for the same reason."
"Newly discovered genus found in our southern lands! Rich white trash, or trasheo albino moola moola as scientists have affectionately nicknamed it."
"In a bold initiative American Bar Association requires, effective ten years ago, that all practicing and prospective attorneys and officers of the law pass for accreditation and/or employment written and oral tests annually to establish their thoroughly knowledgeable acquaintance with the highest law of the land, the United States Constitution, and reaffirm by oath and bond their allegiance to it."
"Worldwide criminologists and historians of terrorism and genocide along with psychiatrists specializing in deviant behavior express interest in research and study of salvaged personal documents and artifacts of the Confederacy (CSA) which attempted mid-19th century to overthrow and over-run the democratically constructed government and legally constituted territories of the United States of America (USA) on the North American continent."
"'I'll Cry Today,' remake of Susan Hayward Hollywood classic set now in 21st techno-century, due for release momentarily."
"Cremation ceremonies for legislative aide Publiratta Joania Kowarsky, said to have died of boredom at her office or the last Publirat Nation convention, scheduled for next week at Lodunk Central in Scatville Mississippi."
"Bad news for trasheo albino moola moola! There's NO evidence at all and little likelihood that Jesus 'died for the sins' of 'Gentile dogs' to whom he directed his Jewish sisters and brethren specifically NOT to deliver his message, before pseudo-disciple pharisee Paul defied him. Looks like yer gonna have to pay fer ' em yersefs."
"Pollsters report that the 20th century question of 'Where do you wanna go today?' has morphed through the 21st century into 'Who do ya wanna hit today?'"
"Pollsters note that Publirat wimmin pay for their sins in the male slimeballs and slugs their formal association attracts and brings in."
"In a transparent sign of awakening disgust that all of his military campaigns ended in an expensively embarassing bust, former 'Basketcase of the Confederacy' last week renamed her Stonewall Jackson Hotel 'The Sorry Charlie Tuna Motel and Cantina' and melted metals in the statue of him for retooling into protective bars on its doors and windows."
Break Time!
"Media pros warn that Death is merely an historically effective attention-getting device."
"Iceland's unparalleled photographer Svensettia Jkojvhkubdgsolsdouikhybjm has provided rare negatives to the global press of an actual Publirat after birth and afterlife!"
Publibat after birth
Publirat afterlife
"Sociologists proved recently that Yickies do meet and mate. Biologists advise that Yickiness is an inherited recessive trait and recommend thorough ancestral research for any concerned or conceivably affected by the new Yick finding."
"Homeland Security announced yesterday that, in the event of The End of the World, it will send out an E-mail Alert to that effect to all citizens of the Republic recorded as up-to--date on paying their full income taxes due and owed. This includes CEOs and corporations, er...., people. Message will arrive with attention-getting but subtle and non-alarmist subject tag: 'No taxes due next year!!'"
"Hillary Clinton's fondly-awaited sequel exposition It Takes A Village To Raise A Humongous Pile Of Crap (Too) available this month in preview on-line."
"Rumor that only 'cream of the crop' accepted into southern law schools traced to recently disbarred and bankrupted, escaped convict Lucy Gianetti of Limeton Falls South Carolina."
Break Time!
"The featured speaker at next month's combined Flagstaff Arizona convention for adherents and officials of the Publirat Nation and Repulsive Scum Party will be the reknowned Dr. Lydia Pishtonn whose grant-funded fields of expertise, study and research are Esoteric Triviality and Boring Banality cogently summarized in her best-selling thesis Banal Anal."
"Publirat Nation reveals initial impetus for its entrance into politics was Monica Lewinsky and the prospect of Yickies finally getting sexual attention and bargaining power."
"Following the Valley Confederate marketing example, Germany and Austria open to a cool public reception Lake Belsen-Belsen, l'Auberge Auchwitz, The Gas Chamber Cafe and Cookery, Super-race Spa Sauna & Holocaust Hotel Complex in Mengeles Mall and Hitler Hostelry for Mein Kampf University and Military Academy, plus Your Neighborhood Nazi Nookie Nookery and Fascist Foolery Fun Haus, Gluck & Goebbels Ghetto Gas Grille adjacent conveniently to Shumann's Little Lampshade Shoppe. Heavily-trafficked Autobahn renamed Heil Highway as a boost for the commercial occasion. Call for guided tour map. Discount pedestrian portable podcast available on request."
"Discovered today in a vault under Richmond's Confederate Museum, a document fragment of Jackson's campaign notes reveals the storied and feared 'rebel yell' in commencing each battle to have been a loudly growled or snarled affirmation of 'ya kaint beet wite trash!'"
"Heterosexuals clamor for official Civil Unions, rather than legal marriages, for themselves too. Use 'equal protection' clause to bolster their argument."
"Insomnia found to be long-sought Cure-All Wonder Drug! Get it free, naturally!Write for details."
"Social historians estimate probability of inter-planetary 'aliens' being more generally dangerous and widely harmful than native species 'homo sapiens sapiens' at .01%."
"All recent Supreme Court decisions vacated on the grounds that the judges are not corporations, or 'people,' as required by the Constitution."
"Political scientists determine that the Right Wing may be the perfect place for you! If you're a brillo pad."
"New Publibat campaign slogan introduced -- 'Vote Publirat!
Help bring new meaning to the classic phrase, 'a tale told by idiots.'"
"Ms. Manner advises unscheduled face-to-face public encounter with a Publirat person or place presents a version of The Ugly Baby Problem , i.e. how do you keep yourself from exclaiming in surprise out loud on unwarned first sight, 'OmiGOD, what an ugly baby!!'? what do you say or do in the lapse where that hangs like a guilty ghost in fully-loaded and loudly silent gulped airspace? what do you do about the unrehearsed expression on your face? where can you find a bandaid or surgeon to mend your tongue?"
"Triviality ruled not important. Practicing attorneys out of work."
"The National Weather Service has issued another Weird Day Alert. Citizens are advised to find and hold onto their blankies."
"Publirat engineers design and mass market Oh-Shit! Bar for their socio- economic hairpin turns. Promise minimal startup and production costs as one color, one size suits all. Opening share prices skyrocket as investors forecast vast popular demand."
"Virginia felons extradicted to Tennessee to face federal charges of interstate kidnapping, harassment and trafficking in bad ideas."
"February 28th declared official National Okay-to-Cry Day."
"Foreign enemy nationals committed to overthrow and takeover of USA step up funding of Neo-Nazis, Burn Agins and Meo-Confeds."
"Giant aliens descended mysteriously yesterday on Virginia's Shenandoah Valley 'macho' boys and carried them off, along with their toys, for supper to Planet Sun Ioeilu to serve there as prized gourmet entree' 'Homo Reductus Tartare' in standard celebratory coming-of-age ceremony!"
"Sloths, believed to be extinct, found slightly moving in southern temperate zone's Lurid Acrid Park."
"Virginia's 1001 Uses For Chicken Shit tops How-To Best Seller List."
"'Common sense' found to be less common than previously believed."
"Granma's rocking chair found to have more sense and worthwhile purpose than 'white' dixiecrats, Publibats, Meo-Confeds and quasi-nazis."
"Patrons barred and heavily fined for throwing up or crying in aisles, especially around holidays, at Walmarts globally."
"McLean House, Appomattox Court House Virginia: April 9, 1865--Sherman and Sheridan announce delivery of their pièce de résistance Dixie Flambé."
"Media experts reveal publically secret unbeatable response statement to whup a Publirat verbally at his or her own game: 'Bet I can make less sense than you! zsy xaduc fugi yuop ioulk yovgijab, gladly.'"
"Hot new Virginia advertising slogan catches on like wildfire: 'The Shenandoah Valley! It's hard to miss!'"
"The Rapture has begun! Jar tops to edible produce become easily openable."
"In lab test measurement last month snailshells found to have higher IQs, and make more logical sense verbally, than Publirats."
"Microbiologists identify mutant gene causing global Publirat germ infestation. Clever camouflage, a common trick in nature, as human being stymied for decades scientific apprehension and discovery. Potent vaccine now in research and development."
"Chicken Shit Capitol recognizes officially newly formed commemorative chapter of SFC, Slops For Christ."
"New Age alibi of 'I'm sorry, I was channeling' no longer accepted."
"(subtly smart) 'Good guys' exact the ultimate revenge -- agree to allow (stoopid) 'bad guys' to kill them all, leaving 'bad guys' to their own company exclusively."
"One hundred and fiftieth anniversary reprinting of Davis and Jackson's 3,785,634,214,235,468 Ways To Lose and 5,342,263,4587,058,709 Others Not to Be Cool back on bookshelves nationwide. Film reruns released simultaneously into local theatres. Documentary accompaniment, 'Why War Is Boring,' coming soon."
"Ottawa's A-B-C Talent Scouts Unlimited guarantees Leonard George Messeldorf of the tiny town of Grand Pointe Indiana can run a global mega-bank profitably."
"Latest Labor Department advisory on employment outlook warns, 'Don't be an asshole. We have enough of them already. There are no vacancies for that position nationally.'"
"Hell defined finally as as a lifetime in Virginia's Shenandoah Valley."
"f9 button accepted worldwide now as on-line'"WHUT???!?" response."
"'Vote Publibat! Temporary Insanity Made Permanent!' Newly-designed Publirat bumper stickers going like hot cakes(especially in our colder climes like Alaska)!"
"Born Agains rip up streets paved of gold for scrap metal!"
"'Right Wing'offers poor worldwide free vinegar in place of pure water, nutrition, and clean air."
Break Time!
"Paradise pinpointed as potty stop for 'Saved' Brigade."
"Measure for weighted ballot ( based on proven personal morality,IQ and education) introduced to stunned legislators, many of whom will lose their jobs and franchise if it's approved."
"Stats show white folk dumbed down enough! (see graph)"
"Geneticists warn white folk recently-decriminalized 'miscogenation of the races' is their only hope for fitness and survival."
"Following a 'Right-Wing' cue and effective last year, all computer pop-up windows required to have a 'NO! Forever ' button. Severe penalty for violation."
"For reasons of economy, Seven Deadly Sins reduced to one:Greed(in anything)."
"Covert installation nationally of URAM (ultra random access memory)documented in leaked Bush/Cheney manuscripts."
"Invasion of The Booty Snatchers: An Historic Perspective due for publication within two years."
"FOX live exclusive! CEOs line up to drop their pants for customary obeisance from Congress and, now, Supreme Court Judges!"
"December 12th declared commmemorative National Weird-Out Day."
"Innovative high-tech wall-mounted alarm device indicates brain explosion anywhere in its vicinity. Suitable for home, office or store installation. Battery-run mini version disguised as hearing aid available for purchase and streetwear worldwide next month."
"Pearls cashed in from gates."
"Conversion of chicken shit to gourmet condiment shows mass marketing promise."
Break Time!
"Possible instance of retroactive karma investigated."
"Updated edition of Who's Not Who hits bookstores tomorrow!"
"Scientists postulate creepy crud rejection not symptom of insanity."
"Commonwealth clarifies that it is 'for lovers' each year on February 30th from 2809 hours to 2703 hours. 69,064 troopers deployed to help residents and tourists get 'in the mood'.Discount feathers and pre-boiled tar available at all highway rest stops!"
"Hazardous road conditions!Highway patrol advises not driving any faster than speed you'd like to hit something at."
"In a Gallop survey first, Supreme Court edges out Congress as branch of government most held in contempt by American citizens."
"'Right Wing' working on multi-media blockbuster sequel titled Blown With The Sinned."
"Priest avers way to Real Thing cannot be faked."
"The Rapture was yesterday and the Born Agains are still here." "More of God's mysteries coming up and to be revealed."
"Tuesday night's Town FROM HERE TO YESTERDAY Seminar topic:'Were O'Connor,
Kennedy, Thomas, Rehnquist and Scalia REALLY wiser and more judicious than the American electorate in 2000?'"
"The Sham of the White Man scheduled for early release worldwide."
"As suspected, undercover agents in commercial labs have confirmed that tops to canned and jarred edible produce are designed for and market-tested now by Big Foot, King Kong, and the Loch Ness Monster."
"CEOs summon their Publitwat groupies to D.C. for open-ended and laid-back discussion of upcoming priorities."
"Scientists determine cognitive/behavioral dysfunction linked to diminutive penile size."
"Average Virginian found to have borderline IQ."
"'Right Wing' responds to urgent research funding request to cure Publibat boys' insatiable need for Viagra!"
Break Time!
"In compliance with federal transparency-in-signage directive, Route 66 West from Washington D.C. renamed Route 66 South."
"Contract killers assigned badge numbers."
"Jules Fressarge of Montreal Canada wins top prize for Best Oxymoron:'Virginia Gentleman'.Runner-up award goes to Jacques LeClaire of Quebec City for 'southern man'."
"Supreme Court sobers up and notices belatedly that 'don't ask-- don't tell' proposition represents across-the-board violation of Free Speech guarantee to all individual citizens of the Republic within U. S. Constitution's First Amendment."
"Hell located. Roads demolished."
"No medication found effective yet for chronic idiocy."
Break Time!
"Via prior Bush Administration tutelage random access memory becomes truly random and users really bugged."
"The Myth of Manhood tops sci-fi best seller lists worldwide."
"Survey confirms that driving impetus behind student pursuit of a law degree is inability to pass General Accounting and Introductory Statistics and Basic Algebra."
"Edith finally speaks up and calls Archie a 'dongbat' on T.V to live audience cheers."
"'Right Wing' assures adherents they won't live long enough to need Social Security benefits anyway."
"America announces Mother of all Close-Out Sales."
"Lost bonko bozos found klepping jewels from crown."
"Jurisprudence nails whit's end."
"Bland Lizard clarifies, as suspected for decades, that KKK stands for 'Krappy Kretin Kreep' to initiates."
"King of The Shill found and crowned in unannounced and sparsely-attended ceremony in Chicken Shit Capitol of The World. Without fanfare his Queen of Dung introduced simultaneously there."
"Satan recognized formally as Supreme Deity for stupid people."
"Pilate whales, proven to have higher IQs, show them the way."
"Proposed 28th Constitutional Amendment prohibits and severely penalizes foreign/alien popup [hertofore referenced as'poop up'] windows that override native industry."
"In recognition of vastly injurious fiscal disorder from local to federal levels of government, the recently introduced 29th Amendment to the U.S.Constitution requires that all nominees for public office pass a proficiency test for basic standard accounting practices and higher math functions."
"Bored? Emergency-To-Go lines installed nationwide. Place your order through-911 today!"
"Meo-confeds and Burn Agins and Neo-Nazis meet on the plains of what remains of America to make yet another human sacrifice on the still-flaming pyre of their vanities to their pre-Israelite gods, What's-His-Name and What's-Her-Face, in whose image they are made."
"Hell freezes over! Frigid residents take their shill on-line."
"Indisputable evidence uncovered that women aren't just boys not working quite right physically or mentally."
"Autopsy during criminal probe reveals new dimension to term 'scumbag'."
Break Time!
"Men request their penises back."
"Confusion between 'L' and 'R' cleared up!" "Evidence that cLass does not equal cRass submitted for peer review."
"Porn star Vanity Vapid reveals tips."
"Free indigenous economic stimulus! Raw chicken shit found to be effective anti-wrinkling agent. Introductory cut-rate sale prices in bounteous rural markets nationwide!"
"Brassy, officious underlings from sea to shining sea scheduled for Texas/Virginia lethal injection en masse effective 12/25/10."
"Dow rises .0693%! Traders and market analyst/writers more jubilant than remaining stockholders."
"Revised Fourteenth Amendment bars natural-born citizens from the inherently seditious and prohibitively expensive states of the former Confederacy from holding high federal elective office."
"Publibats resolve to quit doing it to themselves, Admit it's driven them crazy."
"Man reported spotted in unknown location."
"Mass suicide! Trial attorneys refuse to live in world they've made."
"The Sham of the White Man scheduled for early release.
"All practicing members of the bar ordered to front lines in simmering Yemeni confrontration. Flotilla transport provided from coast of Somalia."
" In early returns, Born Agains and Meo-Confeds voted out of Heaven by preapproved residents."
"CEOs finally given official recognition as Trophy Wives."
"Potential development of chicken shit dried into fiber for woven clothing, shoes, hats, necklaces touted in Country Couture For All trade mag."
"Publigads profer proof positive of inferiority---it's taking President Obama FIVE TIMES as long to fix the mess they made while in office as it took them to make it to begin with."
"Youngsters ordered to clean up their own mess."
"Okay to stop doing everything wrong. George and the gang are gone!"
" Statisticians estimate 1:20 ratio of surviving overeducated non-white male geniuses to remaining white male dummie-dorks."
"In recognition of its numerous poultry houses and their contribution to the local economy, Page County Virginia renamed official Chicken Shit capital of Virginia."
Break Time!
GRAPH
*Disclaimer: Bizarro Bubbles Tabloid News Flash is satire, a traditional form of humor, and not meant to be taken seriously.
ACR Up-To-Date Archives --
ACR Table of Contents
BIZARRO$TABLOID$FLASH$NEWS
"Nitwit order rescinded."
"Federal What To Do Now and Why Department open for business. Phone lines jammed."
"Joan Q. Publiqua anounced this morning that her WTF Box is overflowing and applied to Homeland Security for an extra-extra large Backup Crap Bucket."
"Eye-opening detail results from an intensive Kulpinski Falls Iowa door-to door survey conducted for By-The-Numbers Media & Campaign Consultants Limited were released to the public yesterday. Gladys Dinthles believes in God, but not Physics or Chemistry, or evolution. Jacob Nutchkul
believes in Mathematics with the exception of Calculus and Accounting. Basil Pembroke believes in Buddha, but not broccoli, or herbs. Ethel Kregoli believes in Jesus, but not Sugar which she knows to be an evil plot hatched by enemy Carribean Communists. Janiss Hilfer believes in the Lord of The Rings, but not the U.S. Presidency, or her local Mayor, or Post Office which she demands be abolished to cut the federal deficit. Kendle Joinder registers to vote, and does, every twenty or so years or whenever the Internal Revenue Service catches up with him sparking his notice and outrage, whichever comes first.
"Presented with newly discovered data, astounded historians report there came a relaxingly welcome interim during the Civil War that the Union stopped advance relay firing in view of confused Confederate plots and strategies backfiring as effectively on downed and disarrayed grays as blues alone could ever dream or shoot for."
